I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

My history

I keep meaning to write, but then it feels like there’s too much to say, like I either can write just a small bit about nothing, or else write a novel about everything. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, brought on by having several people around me being pregnant and/or announcing they are, etc. combined with getting my period and knowing that once again I am not myself pregnant. Again.

I don’t really know why I bother to hope anymore. I don’t know why I’m still convinced that it’s going to actually happen on its own, without me having to spend tons of money and pump myself full of artificial hormones to achieve.

I checked my site stats and apparently I’ve had quite a few people find me, somehow. It doesn’t say how. But 5 people in one day found me! Or at least there were 5 separate visits, and I don’t think it was me visiting myself.

So, in case there are people visiting and I actually want them to stay, here’s a bit about me. Perhaps overdue, but whatever.

So, as I’ve said before, the reason for this blog is to give me a place to vent where no one knows who I am. I write elsewhere, but I find it difficult to be completely honest because it’s all friends who read it, and when a lot of the time I’m angry at or about exactly the things that some of my friends are guilty of (for want of a better word), I just don’t feel that I can use that place as a brain dump when I need it. Also, many of the blogs I’ve looked up hoping to find someone in my shoes are all either not being kept anymore, or else they’ve achieved their goals of having children. Which is amazing, but not exactly helpful when I sit here contemplating the idea that maybe I never will.

So, about me. I have some stuff in my About page, but here’s the infertility details, hopefully kept fairly short.

Married in 2005, after many many years together. Went off the pill January 2007, with hopes of things just happening. Starting FAM charting about six months after that, figured out that I probably wasn’t ovulating. Mentioned it to doctor at yearly physical in Sept, he said I shouldn’t be worried because we hadn’t been trying for a year yet. Finally saw an ovulating pattern in June of 2008. Got a positive test on the second cycle I ovulated, July 2008. Miscarried about a week after that. Nothing, nothing, nothing for months.

At next physical mentioned to doctor that we still had no success except for the miscarriage (amazing that that’s success, isn’t it? But I guess it does suggest some things are not the issue), got referred to an OB. Ran bunch of tests (SA on him, HSG, ultrasounds, blah blah, on me), all came back perfectly wonderful. Did two cycles of Clomid. Maybe had a positive on the first cycle, but the very faint lines on the tests (there were three of them altogether) stopped happening and by the time I got in for a blood test, it was negative. So not sure about that one. One part of me says it was, one part says it wasn’t because I didn’t have the sore boobs and all. But I did see those lines.

Did three cycles (I think? Maybe it was only two) of Letrazole, nothing. Got referred to a fertility clinic, ran a bunch more tests, all came back perfect. Scheduled to start cycle monitoring January of 2010, ended up being late for my period, maybe saw faint lines on tests (but who hasn’t seen them when they’re not there? Sometimes I think I see something just because I want so badly to see it), went in for blood test, positive but very low value (13 at that point), so probably a chemical, which was confirmed a few days later with a second blood test.

Laparoscopy in April 2010, everything looks great. Small dot of endo, but nothing to worry about.

Did some additional testing on him, plus some other stuff on me, everything looks great.

Did two rounds of cycle monitoring with Letrazole, plus IUIs, both negative.

Discussed doing IVF with doctor, but scared off by low success rate combined with all the hormones combined with all the money. Still on the backburner, probably will write more about that in a separate post.

Looking into adoption, but unsure about whether that’s any more likely to succeed. So in a stalemate right now, which is difficult because it means we’re doing nothing but I’m paralyzed by the money and the low success rates of both options and the not knowing.

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