I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Archive for November, 2010

moving on

I started feeling a bit better after my last post. It’s kind of weird how just writing it all out can make you feel better. It’s not like it fixes anything, it’s not like anyone who can do anything about it read it, but I no longer felt like I was walking around under a huge cloud.

I sent it to my husband and we talked a bit about where we’re going. I joined a forum for people with infertility that’s actually active and all the people seem nice (I haven’t seen a single negative post, not sure if it’s moderated or if it’s just been lucky so far — seems internet forums attract crazy people a lot of the time) and I’ve been poking around and asking some questions and gathering info.

I heard about some seminars that go over all the adoption stuff — how to do it, the difference between all the different types of adoptions, blah blah. Some of them are pay and the CAS does ones that are free.

I contacted the local CAS and the Toronto one and asked them if they offer the courses (since some people said they were great, and some said they weren’t worth quite what you pay to go) and they said that the only course they offer is the mandatory PRIDE course and their waiting list is two years.

Whoa.

Luckily, you can also do those courses privately, though you have to pay for them. The reason CAS has such a wait list is because it’s all free. But if you do everything through them you have to adopt through them, which really limits your options. So we’ll pay a bit more and do everything privately and get through faster.

So I contacted a local guy who does the courses to ask about the availability of his classes (he has a bunch of sessions in 2011 and even some in 2010 still and he said there is space at all of them still. So that’s good. On the forum I’ve heard good things about this guy, and I was impressed with the speed at which he answered me. He also does the homestudy so if we really like him after doing the course, we can stick with him.

And all that needs to be done and you need to be approved to go on the adoption list (which can take a year or so) before you have to decide exactly what type of adoption you want to do, so that gives us time to figure things out as we gather information. And if things happen on our own (either by ourselves or if we decide to do IVF after all), that’s great. But I think even if it does happen on our own, unless we end up with twins we might go the adoption route because there is absolutely no way I want to go through all of this again.

So. Kind of excited to have a plan in place, though I know it involves a lot of waiting and not knowing. I’m hoping that some of my concerns about adopting will be addressed during the process, but I know that I feel better about moving ahead with this right now than I do about moving forward with IVF.

self pitying whining

I am tired. Of my entire life.

I am tired of being in a different program at work. I’m tired of all their complaining and not wanting to do anything, yet not being satisfied with anything else. I’m tired of arguments from staff about anything different I try to do. I’m tired of none of them knowing how to put things back where they’re supposed to go, of not looking for already-opened things before opening new ones, of having to remind them of the same things over and over again, of feeling like I never make any progress towards all of us working together as a well-oiled team like it is in my own program. I miss my own clients who, while they have their annoying moments and their own challenges, at least enjoy doing new things and most of them appreciate the work I do. I’m tired of the day dragging on, and feeling like I’m just counting down time, rather than actually enjoying it and it just passing without notice. It’s not that I don’t enjoy some of the time, but I never have a really good feeling at the end of the day. Generally I’m just happy to send them home, but then I have to start it all over again the next day.

I’m tired of my husband being away so much lately. Even while he’s been home, he’s been busy downtown and at meetings and all sorts of stuff, which is great because his site is doing well and he’s well on his way to getting some sponsors and money coming in… but I miss him and I feel like I never get to see him, and when he is home either we’re busy with other people or he’s busy working or whatever. I haven’t even had a chance to talk about what a funk I’m in lately because he hasn’t been around, or I don’t want to dump more on his plate when he is around.

I’m tired of everyone around me getting pregnant with no trouble. I’m tired of everyone around me being pregnant or having kids. I’m sad when I see friends are getting married because that means that of course they’ll all be pregnant soon and I’ll still have absolutely nothing to show for my FOUR YEARS of trying except a lot of bitterness.

I’m tired of wondering what we should do, how much we want to spend, what chances to take, what bets to hedge, what decisions need to be made, how long we have to put everything off, not even being able to make any progress because of money right now. And even if we could, I’m tired of not knowing what to do.

I’m tired of wondering if I’ll ever be a parent, and maybe I should just accept it and stop trying. Maybe it would be easier if someone would just tell me that it would never happen, then I could just get over it. Will I ever stop feeling bitter and angry?

I AM SO ANGRY. It’s not fair. The friend who got married in July is pregnant, OF COURSE. The guy is someone who only grew up like two weeks ago, from living a life of irresponsibility and laziness. Four years ago he was at the tail end of his last marriage. And he gets to have kids first?

I am so sick of hearing about parents killing their kids, or people sleeping around and being stupid and getting pregnant and then aborting, or mistreating their kids. How can a friend of mine’s sister be able to have three children and then have them all taken away from her by the CAS, yet I can’t? Not that I would be perfect, but I can bet you I won’t kill them or be declared unfit.

It probably doesn’t help that the second anniversary of my first due date is approaching (February, but still) and that the one that was and wasn’t in January would have been born sometime in the past two months or so (I actively try to forget the dates on that one since knowing a specific date is too painful, so I only know roughly when it would be). And instead I have absolutely nothing.

And I feel like I’m the only one since I’m apparently a fertility charm to everyone else around me. I know there are lots of people, but I want to know them. And quite honestly, I want it to be every single person around me. I want everyone to feel my pain. And I hate feeling like that.

I want credit for what I’ve been through, what I’m going through. I want everyone to know how much it sucks. I want people to know I’m trying, that I don’t have kids not because I don’t want them but because I apparently can’t.

And I want to know why. If there were a reason, it might be a lot easier to decide what to do. If we knew it was me, or him, and for what reason, we could go forward from there. But when everything is fine and there’s nothing wrong and we’re both perfect, why isn’t it working? And that makes it even worse to contemplate doing IVF, because I’m half convinced it’s a genetic thing or a random incompatibility between us, or maybe my body can’t do it. And I just cannot handle IVF not working right now.

I’m tired of hoping despite me telling myself not to. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of wanting it to happen so much, yet being so afraid that it will actually happen, but then it won’t last. Or that it will last, and I’ll spend the entire time worrying myself to death. I’m not sure I would ever be able to take for granted that anything will work out well.

And adoption is scary too. Lots of waiting, lots of relying on other people and hoping it’ll come through. Lots of uncertainty. And I’m not sure that I could feel the same way about an adopted child as I would about my own. Sometimes I think that’s ridiculous, since I love very easily and can’t help but form attachments to anyone I spend time with…. but I just can’t picture it in the same way. And it would bother me, at least a little, that I was not carrying on our genetics. And some of that is curiosity, really wanting to see how a meld of our genes would turn out. Not to mention that I feel most comfortable with an infant over an older kid, and that’s really hard to get. I want to do it all at least once, though there are advantages to missing the first little bit.

And I just don’t know what I want to do. Which would lead to the least regrets, the least grief, the most joy, though that part is a lot harder to imagine from where I am now, where that has been so little joy about anything.

I would really like to put everything on hold, maybe rewind for a short while to when things were simpler, and just stop being me.

and now for something completely different

I’m someone who really likes to know stuff. If there is information to be gleaned from something, I want to know what it is. And then I like to experiment with it. If you tell me something interesting, my immediate question will be “why?” and then “what would happen if I did [this]?”

I like to know how things work. I like to take things apart (though I’ve always been afraid to take really complicated stuff apart) and I like to study how the different parts work together to create the result. I can watch something work, and then based on that, I can figure out how to fix it when it’s broken. I don’t always have the tools to do so, but I can tell you what needs to be done in order for it to be fixed.

I’m one of those people who will think up really weird random questions, and then look up the answers. I married someone who is the same way, though he’s a little less rabid about needing to know stuff. He likes to know stuff. I NEED to know stuff.

I like to wonder about the results of social experiments. Like setting my status on FB to “single” and see how many people crawl out of the woodwork to message me.

I have a weird fascination with time travel, and I wonder if it taps into that. Any movie, tv show, book, whatever, that involves time travel, I’m hooked.  Maybe because if you had a time machine, you could go and find out pretty much anything you wanted to, either in the past or the future. And how awesome is that?

One thing I’m fascinated by is by the 4 or 5 hits a day I’m apparently getting here. I was floored when I saw that I actually had traffic. 4 hits, people! I thought it was getting crowded in here!

So, if you’re reading me, answer me this: if you had a time machine and you could only go in one direction (and back to the present), would you go forwards in time or backwards? And to what year?

this turned out to be an angry post

The thing I hate most about this whole thing is that I don’t like who I am in regards to it. I’m generally not a bitter or angry person, I don’t take things personally, I don’t feel like everyone is out to get me or anything like that. But I feel completely bitter, I feel angry at the universe in general and at people specifically, I feel like anyone who is pregnant is rubbing it in my face. I can’t be happy for people, I want to avoid people who are, I’m terrified of people I’m really close with getting pregnant because I’m afraid I’ll have to start avoiding them. I hate feeling like that.

I don’t want to hear about people and their pregnancies, yet at the same time if they’re not telling me stuff, I feel like they’re avoiding the topic and wanting to spare my feelings, which I also hate. I try not to let on to anyone that I feel that way, but I don’t know how successful I am. Maybe they can guess. Maybe I exude it like BO and they don’t have to guess it’s just so obvious.

As I put it to a friend a few weeks ago, it feels like I’m losing a race that I should be winning. I started first of many of my friends to try, I was the first to actually get pregnant. I’ve put so much time into it at this point and I have NOTHING to show for it. And they all have their easy, perfect, no problem pregnancies that all happened immediately. And it’s SO NOT FAIR and I want to stamp my feet and scream and cry and force someone to listen to me who can do something about it. And because it’s not really something people talk about, I don’t even feel like I’m getting credit for my efforts. Which is so completely stupid, because who cares about credit? People who I care about know and that’s all that really matters. But people assume I don’t want kids, or they keep asking when we’ll decide to have them. WE DID DECIDE! FOUR FREAKIN’ YEARS AGO!

After my first miscarriage, I wanted to go up to every pregnant person and tell them that I, too, was pregnant not too long ago. I wanted them to know that not everything works out for everyone and that they should be extra happy that theirs went okay. Because no one talks about when things don’t go wrong, no one talks about how it feels. It’s not something you share with just anyone, and that really sucks. You only know when people succeed, you never know what they had to do to get there. I feel jealous of everyone I see who has kids, who is expecting kids, how easy it must be for them, they have no idea.

But I’m the one who has no idea. Maybe they’ve tried for longer than me, maybe they’ve been through everything that I have, maybe more.

What also makes me mad (since that now appears to be the theme of this post) is when you then hear about parents killing their kids or abusing them or whatever. So many great people can’t have children, and these people can? If there is a god, s/he is seriously messing up there. Or people who are stupid and don’t use protection and then abort. I agree that you should be able to choose, but it makes me mad when people do stupid things and then throw away what I want so much.

It’s certainly changed how I feel about many things. Used to think that between kids, I’d get an IUD for protection since going off the pill caused awful depression from the hormonal stuff so I don’t think I’ll ever go on it again (that’s one of the reasons why IVF scares me, because it requires a month on them), but I’ve heard that an IUD can dissuade a fertilized egg from implanting, and after having so much trouble achieving just that, I have a hard time consciously deciding to do that. That of course may change when I have them and no longer want any more. I used to think that if I ended up with more than twins, I’d selectively reduce. Now, I’d also have a hard time doing that except in the case of really high order multiples. I know that it might have to be done if there are too many and it would endanger the lives of the fetuses, but it would be a hard decision. How can you finally have achieved what you wanted for so long and then say it’s too many? I used to think I wouldn’t want twins, but now I say bring it on!

Hopefully one day I’ll look back on that last sentence and wonder what the heck I was thinking, that I had no idea what I was in for.

My history

I keep meaning to write, but then it feels like there’s too much to say, like I either can write just a small bit about nothing, or else write a novel about everything. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, brought on by having several people around me being pregnant and/or announcing they are, etc. combined with getting my period and knowing that once again I am not myself pregnant. Again.

I don’t really know why I bother to hope anymore. I don’t know why I’m still convinced that it’s going to actually happen on its own, without me having to spend tons of money and pump myself full of artificial hormones to achieve.

I checked my site stats and apparently I’ve had quite a few people find me, somehow. It doesn’t say how. But 5 people in one day found me! Or at least there were 5 separate visits, and I don’t think it was me visiting myself.

So, in case there are people visiting and I actually want them to stay, here’s a bit about me. Perhaps overdue, but whatever.

So, as I’ve said before, the reason for this blog is to give me a place to vent where no one knows who I am. I write elsewhere, but I find it difficult to be completely honest because it’s all friends who read it, and when a lot of the time I’m angry at or about exactly the things that some of my friends are guilty of (for want of a better word), I just don’t feel that I can use that place as a brain dump when I need it. Also, many of the blogs I’ve looked up hoping to find someone in my shoes are all either not being kept anymore, or else they’ve achieved their goals of having children. Which is amazing, but not exactly helpful when I sit here contemplating the idea that maybe I never will.

So, about me. I have some stuff in my About page, but here’s the infertility details, hopefully kept fairly short.

Married in 2005, after many many years together. Went off the pill January 2007, with hopes of things just happening. Starting FAM charting about six months after that, figured out that I probably wasn’t ovulating. Mentioned it to doctor at yearly physical in Sept, he said I shouldn’t be worried because we hadn’t been trying for a year yet. Finally saw an ovulating pattern in June of 2008. Got a positive test on the second cycle I ovulated, July 2008. Miscarried about a week after that. Nothing, nothing, nothing for months.

At next physical mentioned to doctor that we still had no success except for the miscarriage (amazing that that’s success, isn’t it? But I guess it does suggest some things are not the issue), got referred to an OB. Ran bunch of tests (SA on him, HSG, ultrasounds, blah blah, on me), all came back perfectly wonderful. Did two cycles of Clomid. Maybe had a positive on the first cycle, but the very faint lines on the tests (there were three of them altogether) stopped happening and by the time I got in for a blood test, it was negative. So not sure about that one. One part of me says it was, one part says it wasn’t because I didn’t have the sore boobs and all. But I did see those lines.

Did three cycles (I think? Maybe it was only two) of Letrazole, nothing. Got referred to a fertility clinic, ran a bunch more tests, all came back perfect. Scheduled to start cycle monitoring January of 2010, ended up being late for my period, maybe saw faint lines on tests (but who hasn’t seen them when they’re not there? Sometimes I think I see something just because I want so badly to see it), went in for blood test, positive but very low value (13 at that point), so probably a chemical, which was confirmed a few days later with a second blood test.

Laparoscopy in April 2010, everything looks great. Small dot of endo, but nothing to worry about.

Did some additional testing on him, plus some other stuff on me, everything looks great.

Did two rounds of cycle monitoring with Letrazole, plus IUIs, both negative.

Discussed doing IVF with doctor, but scared off by low success rate combined with all the hormones combined with all the money. Still on the backburner, probably will write more about that in a separate post.

Looking into adoption, but unsure about whether that’s any more likely to succeed. So in a stalemate right now, which is difficult because it means we’re doing nothing but I’m paralyzed by the money and the low success rates of both options and the not knowing.

No sympathy

At least three of the pregnant people I know are whining on FB and other mediums that they are going to doctor appointments and getting stuck with needles today.

Oh, boo hoo. Until you’ve waited in line at 6am to get stuck and have an internal ultrasound for a whole week (always over the weekend, of course) and spending $500+ for the privilege, all for nothing, then I’ll listen to you whining about how hard your life is.

Not that I think everyone should enjoy every detail of pregnancy, but still. No sympathy from me. They have no idea how much I would gladly puke my guts out for nine months to be where they are.

The next time someone complains about how “over” being pregnant they are, I may have to kill them.