I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels


Do you ever feel that you’re a fertility charm to everyone else around you?

At one time, I knew over 10 people who were pregnant, all who had absolutely no trouble, all who started trying after I’d had my first miscarriage, and all who were pregnant within a few months of that.

I’m now into the second round of that, and I know several people who are, and once again none of them had any problems.

Okay, that’s not true. One of them did, and this came as a total surprise because they’d resorted to fertility treatments. I can’t exactly be upset about that because it’s what everyone in my situation hopes for, right?

All I have to do to help someone get pregnant is to say “I hope you don’t have as much trouble as I have”, and boom, they’re pregnant. I don’t even have to mean it.

Does it make me a bad person to wish that other people do have problems? I mean, I don’t really wish this on anyone… but at the same time I want other people to understand what it’s like, and unless you’ve been through it, there is no way you can understand.

And that brings me to the reason for this blog. Most of the blogs out there that I can read are either not updated anymore, or else they’ve managed to get pregnant or adopt. Which is great, but sometimes it’s nice to read about someone going through the same thing you are at the same time. So if anyone finds this and reads it, hopefully it helps them or me or something.

I also find that there’s so much I can’t say in my other blog because people I know read it, in fact that’s the point. But sometimes there’s stuff I’d like to say that I don’t necessarily want people I know to read, either because it’s indirectly about them (like how angry I am that everyone around me has no problems with getting pregnant while I’m going into year four of nothing) or there’s just no way they can understand it. While knowing people are rooting for me helps somewhat, sometimes you want more than that.

And if no one ever reads this, maybe it’ll be an outlet of sorts for me to write down how I’m feeling. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to look back on it and it will all seem so far away because I’ve finally done it, finally gotten the kids I’ve always hoped for.


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