I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

3 years, almost 8 months

I sometimes read other people’s blogs when I have time, which is not very often anymore (or rather, that I choose to spend what time I do have doing other things), and I think how much I miss writing and updating and the therapy of writing stuff down and being able to go back and read what I’ve written and remembering so much of it, but at the same time not. I would love to be able to do that again with the frequency that I used to, but life feels so busy and I’m tired and I feel like I have so much and so little to write about at the same time.

FrostedBaby is so different than he was even the last time I wrote. Some days I barely recognize him as the shy, nervous kid that he was. We went to a play place at a fast food restaurant recently and I wasn’t sure how it would go but he noticed it when we were driving by once about two months ago and has been asking to go ever since, so we finally went. I wasn’t sure if it would be too big for him because he’s not much of a climber and the slides are big and enclosed and all, but I was shocked when he climbed right to the top and went down the biggest slide and he had a great time. He’s outgoing and loves other kids and can make friends with pretty much anybody (though he avoids kids who make too much noise or who are too rough for him) and it’s so awesome to see. I’m working a couple of days a week now and he goes to daycare and he loves it. We’re at a different daycare than when I last wrote (I think I wrote about that), and this one has a girl his age and they have so much fun. I think it’s great for him and it’s good for me. I’m enjoying having a few days “off” and it makes me feel more ready to face the day and give him the attention he deserves without feeling like I’m doing the same stuff day in and day out like I was feeling for a while. I feel much more relaxed about him starting school because he’s shown so much confidence and has the skills now to deal with things himself. We’re still working on some things, but overall he’s matured so much and I’m really proud of him.

Project Sibling is going nowhere. It’s been almost a year and a half since the last miscarriage and there’s been absolutely nothing since. I feel stuck in limboland because I’m not quite ready to give up, but I’m not willing to spend money on any treatments and I feel disinterested in even talking to any doctors because it never did us any good, though at the same time I’m second guessing myself. I just feel like either our problems are so deep that it’ll be super expensive to treat, or else they’ll still find nothing and it’ll be completely useless. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want another one anyway. I mean, I do, but at the same time my family will never look like I wanted it to, and we’re at the point where things are getting a bit easier and I’m looking at returning to work full time once he’s in school and I’m not 100% sure that I’m wanting to put all that on hold to go back to the beginning again. Obviously if I got pregnant I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I don’t feel that not having another at this point would be the worst thing. Plus there’s the whole “we won the jackpot” thing with FrostedBaby and I’m terrified of what a second would be like after he’s been so easy. There has to be some sort of payback for that ;)

What I’m hating most right now is that of course all my friends are moving on and having their seconds (and some of them still have idea how lucky they are, which drives me nuts) and I feel like I’m being left behind again, or that I need to put distance between us because it really hurts when they don’t even want to spend time with their kids and all I want is to have multiple kids. Plus the “oh, it’ll still happen” and “have you tried this” and “I hate that you’re giving up” well-meaning words that make me SO MAD. I hardly think that after 9 years that I’m giving up, and I can assure you that no one hates it more than me, but I’m ready to move on and stop this whole thing. Sell the baby stuff, take the possibility off the table, and move on. Count our blessings with what we do have (which is not insignificant) and leave this part behind.

Plus we’re going to Rome next month and flying first class, so I want to be able to drink. Last time I flew First Class on a plane, I was 16 weeks pregnant and couldn’t enjoy the free booze.

3 years, 15 days

This is a post just to make a post since I’ve been so quiet. I’ve started posts and left them and never came back to them.

FrostedBaby turned 3 a couple of weeks ago. He’s obsessed with airplanes so my parents got him one and another friend got him another one and he’s been playing with them nonstop ever since. He reads about them, he talks about them, he plays with them, everything is airplanes airplanes airplanes.

He is both amazing at this age and SO FRUSTRATING. Everything right now is a fight to get him to do anything. The answer is No to everything (or “no thank you”, so at least he’s polite) and there’s excuses for everything. I feel like all day I’m asking him to do something, then counting him down to do it (which he will react to), then doing stuff that makes whatever difficult. Like today we were heading out to a playdate so I asked him to come get dressed, counted him down and he got up off the couch and said he was getting some books, so he carries two books over to hold while I’m getting him dressed. He put one down on the stair and I got his shirt over his head and was trying to get his free hand into the arm hole, while he’s reaching for the second book with that hand because he just HAS to hold two books while getting his shirt on. Three year old logic defies understanding from more rational minds. Some days I wonder if I would survive with a more challenging kid, because I realize even when he’s being difficult, he’s still pretty easy.

I’ve picked up a part time job working on Saturdays (I forget if I’ve actually posted about that or if I’ve written about it but not posted) and that’s been nice to have one day a week that’s different, plus FrostedBaby gets to spend time with Husband and that’s pretty nice for them. I like the job, I like my co-workers, I like making money (as little as it is), I like playing a different role than Mom for a while. It’s been good, though it does cut into our family time a bit and that’s too bad but it’s a good tradeoff for right now.

Struggling with the whole IF thing still. So many people I know gave birth right around what should have been my most recent due date (and how much do I wish I didn’t know that?) and still nothing for us and I’m just feeling very done with the whole thing but not quite ready to give up for real so I feel like I’m in a holding pattern of nothing. Except good news for everyone else but me, of course. And I’m sure that it’ll be so long before the next time and I’ll lose that too and it’s just not fair and all those usual feelings. Sometimes I’m just sick of thinking about it and feeling it and writing about it and it all sucks. And maybe we should just stop and close the door on that and move on and be happy. There are definite advantages to that, that’s for sure. My family will never look like I wanted it to and that’s hard to swallow, and every cycle that goes by it gets farther and farther away from that image. And I know that if it happens it’ll feel like the way it was meant to be, but maybe it never will happen and I’m not sure if that will ever feel as meant to be as I want it to.

I realize I’ve lost a lot of my old blogs when my blog reader shut down and I hadn’t been able to export my list properly. I’ve also not kept up with my reading for the past while. Who knows if I have any readers left anyway. Though I can’t imagine anyone wanting to miss every post I don’t actually post ;)

27 months, 14 days

So many changes over the past little while, even the last month.

FrostedBaby is now sleeping in a big boy bed. He decided that he no longer wanted the crib and would either wake up screaming or protest going down at all, but was fine in the guest bed and at other places (we went the States to visit relatives a few weeks ago and he was fine in the hotel’s pullout bed) so I moved our guest bed into his room to see how it went and he loves it. What I don’t love is that he’s waking up really early (anytime between 5:30 and 7) and getting up and playing, which is fine except he makes noise and wakes us up. I won’t go in until 7 at least, and that tends to be when he decides he’s had enough and wants to get out. So far he hasn’t figured out the doorknob.

We were going to get him his own bed but before we’d decided on which we were going to get, I found out I was pregnant. And then a few days after that I started bleeding and confirmed with bloodwork that it was over. I knew it based on the faintness of the line but it was still disappointing, obviously. I feel like I have a lot to say about it and no words, but I’m still dealing with it and especially accepting the fact that I’ll probably have to wait a year for the next time since all my pregnancies are around that length apart. Timing would have been perfect for a lot of reasons (and timing was awful for financial reasons, but those tend to sort themselves out), not the least of which would be the age difference which is already much larger than I would have chosen. I’m hoping it will happen again soon, but I’m not holding my breath :/

FrostedBaby is now toilet trained. Or well on his way to being? I’m not exactly sure where the line between training and trained is. He’s in underwear full time except overnight. He has accidents fairly regularly but can also go days without any.

This has sat here unposted for a while so I’m going to post this and start a new one.

26 months, 27 days

Yesterday his yogurt requests were Mommy (“Calvin, time to change your bum!”), Daddy (“Listen to your mother, Calvin”), Nana (“You’re so cute!”), and water (water running noise as best I could).

And penis.

So I made a peeing noise.

26 months, 16 days

FrostedBaby eats yogurt a lot after dinner, I guess kind of a dessert though it’s more to make sure he’s eating lots of protein at dinner so he won’t be hungry in the night. So lately he’s been asking to be fed like a baby, I’m not sure why since for a while he refused to eat it if we tried to feed him. So he says in the teasing cooey voice we use to tease him, “Little baby?”

And then he wants me to make the spoon into planes or trains or helicopters or cars or whatever to feed him. And lately he’s started asking for random other things. Like tigers and alligators and cats and goldbug (from his favourite Richard Scarry book), and other things like whiners (that was fun) and dirt.

Yeah, you figure out what sort of noise dirt makes :P

Today he was also differentiating between tow trucks and *green* tow trucks. It’s so much fun to hear what he’s going to come up with, and you can see him wracking his brain to think of something new just to see what I’ll do.

24 months, 28 days

Today someone commented on how sharp FrostedBaby is – how alert and inquisitive and verbal and all he is. It’s kind of a wonder he’s as good as he is, since often curiosity and alertness equal trouble because they get into things, but he just doesn’t. He watches and figures things out, but he tends not to touch things he knows he’s not supposed to. Except the TV. For some reason he’s always turning that on and off, but he probably wouldn’t do that at anyone else’s house.

His birthday party was a success. We did end up doing a friends party of sorts, since it just so happened that a beach day with almost all the people I would have invited got organized and fell on his birthday. It was a great day and a perfect day to be at the beach. FrostedBaby had an awesome time and was running around with his friends. He invented this game where he flops down on the sand on his belly and the other kid does too, then they get up and run and do it again. I’m not sure how they tell each other, or if it’s just the age to copy each other, but he started it with one kid and they were doing it a lot, and then FrostedBaby started it with a totally new kid and he picked up on it too. I’ve been thinking I need to write him a letter like I did last year but I’m not sure that’s going to happen.

I wish there was a way to write down everything that I want to remember and capture it somehow. When I go back and read my earlier posts where I was posting more often because I had more time to do it, it’s so nice to remember what was happening and what I was feeling. Now it’s so much harder but no less precious and I feel like there’s so much I’m forgetting or will forget. When I sit down to try and capture this moment with him and what it’s like, I can’t even think of what to say.

The family party for his birthday was fun too. We had everyone over and had pizza and he opened some presents. He got some construction vehicles from my brother and SIL and a couple others from my MIL, some books from my sister. And of course the swingset that he’s been playing on all summer. I asked him if he wanted to open presents and he said yes and came over and was doing something weird with his shirt, which we thought was funny and then he got distracted so I asked him again a few minutes later and he did the same thing but was also doing something with his diaper. And then I realized he thought for some reason that I was talking about his penis. So we all had a good laugh about him thinking penis and present are the same thing and how it starts at birth. I even got a video of him a few days later, with me asking him “Do you know what a present is” and him pointing at himself and saying “Penis is!” I have no idea what’s going on in his head but I really hope he remembers it long enough so when he has better language skills he can tell me. That video is getting played at his wedding for sure!

In other humorous stories, there was the time I was filling his sippy cup with water and he said “sippy cup” and I said “yes, a sippy cup of…?” and he said “DANGER!” in a dramatic voice. (He has a book he loves to hear before bedtime every night for the past like 6 months that he knows so well that he’s now filling in words when we pause, and one of those is danger in a dramatic voice, so the way I phrased it must have made him think of that, but it was really unexpected and funny)

And then there was the time I asked him to go upstairs to ask Daddy to change his bum so we could go on a walk together. So he goes upstairs, repeating “Daddy bum” to himself. Then he gets upstairs, finds Daddy and announces, “Daddy, orange juice all gone!”  No clue where that one came from since we had not been talking about orange juice and it wasn’t even after breakfast when he has orange juice.

I’m loving this stage where I ask him questions and he will often give very astute answers, or something they’re totally out of left field. After our day at the beach I asked him if he told Daddy about our day, so Daddy asked him what he did and he flopped down on his tummy and said “water” and named some of the people we were there with and stuff like that. Or when we went swimming and I forget what I asked him, maybe if he remembered who we’d gone swimming with, and he said “water” and “ball”, which was true although not quite what I was expecting. And when I was on the phone with my mom and asked him to tell her about swimming, he said “hippo” which was true because he was playing with a floaty thing in the shape of a hippo. And he also told her there was water :P

He’s this awesome combination of typical boy (anything to do with vehicles, he’s nuts over) and really sweet and sensitive (wanting anything that gets bumped or scraped to be kissed, but also wanting to kiss anything he thinks might be hurting on me) and nurturing (wants to wear his baby doll like I wear him, although a lot of the time she’s driving his truck too). I love him for how super special he is and I feel so privileged to be the one who gets to nurture that, especially knowing that a lot of parents I know would have a problem with just letting him be who he is. I worry that at some point in his life someone is going to make fun of him for being different like that and I’m afraid that it’s going to go away or he’ll want to hide it. He’s such an amazing kid, I wish I could somehow let him feel that from me, and I don’t think it’s just because I’m his mom because other people say the same thing, even ones who are not related to him. So it’s only partly because I’m his mom ;)

 

23 months, 24 days

It’s so hard to believe that FrostedBaby will be turning two in a week. We are having a family party on the Saturday after his birthday (the 24th) though we’re not exactly sure what we’re doing. There will be ice cream though, since he really likes it and it just so happens that I do too. We got him the swingset as his big gift from grandparents, but I also picked up some small construction vehicles since he’s obsessed with vehicles of all kinds. I’ve asked for books from other people as well.

We’re not sure if we’re going to do a friends party or not. I thought it might get too big, but then I thought if we kept it to the friends that he actually plays with (now that he does that), it would be limited to between 7 and 10 kids. Plus parents, but that’s still manageable, much more than doing parties like some of my friends do, which is to invite every single person they know. That’s too big and too expensive and just not something any of us would enjoy.

I feel like right now we’re in a really good space. He has his moments (don’t we all?), but they’re limited to mostly when he’s hungry or tired or occasionally if he gets frustrated and it’s pretty easy to deal with. Honestly, I’d rather deal with his tantrums than some of the crying he did when he was a baby and I’d have no idea what he was going on about. I try to give him lots of freedom in most aspects of the day so that when I have to put my foot down and say this is what we’re doing, he reacts pretty well. Not that I think I have it all figured out – he’s a pretty easy-going kid and I probably have it way easier than most parents who have more “typical” kids – but I feel like what we’re doing right now works for us and I think it helps.

He spends his days laughing and chattering and running around. He’s really good at entertaining himself again (there was a stretch there where he seemed to have lost the knack of it) so he does that a lot, plus we go outside and play and go for walks. I’ve become friendly with two other moms in the neighbourhood, one who lives across the road from me and another who lives not too far away. It’s been awesome because not only is it great to have people who are so close to do stuff with, they’re both people that I feel I would have been friends with aside from having kids. Their kids are younger, at 4 months and 7.5 months so I can’t wait until they’re able to do more, but it’s still been really great.

We’ve been to a few places with FrostedBaby – Centre Island and a baseball game and the provincial park and I’ve gone swimming with him a bunch the past few weeks with friends. He’s come out of his shell a lot and is a lot more confident. When he gets in the water, it’s like a different kid and he runs around and throws himself in the water and jumps and splashes and it’s really neat to see. We haven’t seen the friend who is two days younger than him in a bit because they were away, and when he saw him, they started running around together and I was the one reminding FrostedBaby not to be too rough! It was not something I’ve seen a lot from him. They’ve been sick since then so we haven’t seen them again, but I’m wondering if it’ll be the same next time. He’s usually wary of kids his own age, maybe because they’re less predictable than older kids or much younger kids, who he tends to like.

I’m loving this age right because he’s really developing his personality and he’s really funny and he’s so smart. He jokes with us and acts silly because he thinks it’s funny and he wants to make us laugh. He makes faces on purpose and he says silly things. His language explosion is incredible, going from 2 word sentences to 3 and 4 word sentences within a short time. He comes out with things that amaze me all the time. He wants to know the names of everyone and everything and he remembers them sometimes after one time. He has a great imagination and invents games and pretends things all the time. I love sitting back and listening to what he’s saying when he’s playing and doesn’t think anyone is paying attention. I can’t understand everything he’s saying but a lot of it is really cute or funny.

His singing is still awesome. He now makes up songs, usually to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (favourites include “Mommy Mommy Mommy’s Car” and “la la la la la la pizza”. He also sings whole songs that are recognizable even if he doesn’t actually say all the words. I’m not sure if he doesn’t know them yet or if he can’t say them all yet because his language isn’t developed enough, but it’s adorable. I think I said it a long time ago, but I wish I could record everything he does and just edit out the boring stuff so that I’d capture every cute thing he ever does. I’d have a lot of footage to keep.

I’ve officially had my period back for a year. I thought I might be pregnant last cycle because it came later than expected and I was feeling weird and our timing was right, but tests came back negative and then it started. I was pretty bummed at that time but I think I’ve moved on (again) and I’m really trying not to hope and to just go with it and be pleasantly surprised if it happens. I’m sure there are pros and cons, and I’m trying to focus on the fact that I can spend so much time with FrostedBaby by himself, but I was watching a friend’s baby a week or two ago and it felt so right to have the older one and the younger one and while I’m sure it wouldn’t always be that idyllic, at least then we’d have them and we’d be done with this part of things. I just wish I knew it was going to happen one day. Or not, though I’m less anxious to know that ;)  I also can’t help but feel that I’m probably going to end up miscarrying again before we are successful, so I want to get over that part and move on. I’ve always had such large spaces between my pregnancies so I want to get on with it, though I guess it just doesn’t work that way.

I should get going and get ready for bed. I think I was writing that he was sleeping less in my last post. I’m not saying this, but he’s now gone back to his 14 hours of solid sleep. Or actually, I’m not sure if that’s true. I often hear him around 7 or so (which would be 13 hours) singing and stuff but then I go back to sleep and he doesn’t start making I-want-attention noises until at least 8. The past little bit we’ve even gone in before he sounds the alarm that he’d like to get up, it’s either when he’s still chortling (I love that word!) to himself or when he’s just starting to whine before he starts wailing. I’m really liking it, but we’ve started having to set the alarm again because Husband has to be doing work stuff and we’ve slept in until 8:30 and that makes the whole morning late. I tend to be pretty laid back in the mornings right now – letting him run around and play a bit after breakfast and then we have a leisurely bath and he races around naked and stuff. The other day I didn’t get him dressed until lunchtime because he got up late and we were just moseying around. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice and he’s happy doing it and all, but sometimes I feel like we should be moving faster. But then I remember feeling that way when our mornings consisted of me bringing him into bed and nursing him and us falling asleep for a few more hours together, so I think I’ll enjoy the leisurely pace we have while it lasts. It’s not like I can’t get us out if we need to be somewhere, so whatever. Not too long ago he wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much and needed more structure but right now he seems to really like it. He likes to run to the front window and see what’s going on in the street. He also likes to spy on our friend across the road.

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